Something Between Me and Myself

When everyone in your peripheral world seems to be happy and satisfied with the way their lives go, there comes several instances where you try to ponder about life in general and assess your own being in specific. When almost all the people that surround you are having a great time of their life, you can't help but mull over some aspects of your self that need some growth, security, and contentment. When everything turns out normal and organized, even though you feel that it shouldn't be the way how it's going, you tend to be cynical about it, extending matters with doubtful rejoinders.

Call it a shot of insecurity, but for the past months, I have been pessimistic about my self, about how my views in life have changed drastically over time. Usually I am a people's person: the one who represents the group, the one who stands for the crowd, the one who questions and answers issues, either political or personal. But lately, with the way things are going, it looks like I am feeling tired of myself.

I know that it sounds awkward hearing these statements from me, since I am still young and should be reveling at the exuberance of my youth. However, there are really times when I fumble upon myself, asking whether I am on my right track, positively accomplishing the expectations that are being placed on my shoulders. At my age, the pressure is greatly highlighted, especially when you've exerted much effort in the past few years to be the person that you are today. Being in a situation where people know the breadth of your capacity, breaking-free from the preconceived notions and the expectations is tough.

There are times when I just want to be alone and reaffirm myself, my beliefs and perceptions in life. I try to communicate with myself and ask whether I am really enjoying and understanding life in either its starkest or most sugarcoated form. And I admit that it is a miss-or-hit thing: sometimes I get the answer that I want, oftentimes I don't---or I can't. Maybe that's why people use to misinterpret my actions and way of thinking, branding them as garish, harsh, and often uncalled for.

A lot of friends and family members label me as stubborn and esoteric. They find me weird and unpredictable; and maybe they are right: because I myself cannot understand myself most of the time. There are times when I enjoy doing something with a specific person; later on, I will see something negative about him or her, which will turn or piss me off and--poof!--that will be the end of our partnership. Patience and compromise, I suspect, are two words that always slip off from my consciousness, and this, definitely, always brings me into trouble and consternation.

Friends also find me agitating at times, even dominant and overbearing, aberrant and rude. And I agree. These characteristics are me: I am even selfish, egocentric, judgemental, proud, hard-headed. Perhaps this is why people usually distance themselves from me. Admittedly, I often fall short in so many things: as a son, as a brother, as a friend, as a lover.

I often say that I do not need to please everybody, or anybody, for that matter. However, this of course is easier said than done. After all, I still don't want to be distinguished as irresponsible, naughty, and self-centered. But, really, I try my best to do things that would make others at ease when I am around.

Honestly, I try my best to listen rather than to talk, to discern rather than to object. I admit that it's hard to keep my mouth shut. It seems that I just always have this urge to speak my mind, even though what I'm going to say is purely nonsensical or offensive. It's something--keeping quiet--that I really need to practice more, until it turns out innate.

In time, perhaps I could also have that stabler mindset and character. I guess it's just a matter of discovering yourself and learning about your real personality. At this rate, I have seen a lot of things in my life, but surely, there are still a plethora of events waiting to unfold right in front of my barest eyes. In time, I am sure, I could also find my own grounded self, whatever that means, which would make me the guarded and pacified person that I need and want to be. The road is still long, even endless, and I ought not to be impatient. Like what the parents always promise, there is still a huge number of memories stored in my own unpredictable future.