(Not) Falling in Love

At no time in my life have I been this pestered and incensed by questions about love. Why does it seem that my friends' next logical question after "How are you?" is "How's your love life?" I've given my answer before--in 1,001 ways of saying "none" and in uncountable versions of my statement, "no time and no money for that." But as if these people aren't friends; they rage me with questions that in one way or another piss me off to heavens.

A friend just texted this afternoon, asking me the usual question that a typical, nosy peer asks: "Do you have a girlfriend there in UP?" Instead of answering her question, I opted to digress: "Oh, how's life?" She indignantly answered, and threw back her old question once again. Just to finish the conversation that was starting to heat up my chagrin, I said: "Wala, eh. Wala pa sa plano." Then she replied, "Nyek. Bakit naman?"

She has no idea of how her questions irked me so much, as if I wanted to get a cow and let the it swallow her wholly. That wasn't my first time to be asked with such violating and grueling questions, however. I think it's human nature to pry upon other people's lives (I also do it at times--well, always!), especially when the topic is about love or romance or both.

On my part, honestly, I have no time with such things. I find it stressful and too taxing, both for the heart and the brain, not only because of the demands that loving a person requires and asks you to do--directly or indirectly--but also of the responsibility (which oftentimes turns into a burden) that you are expected to focus on and fulfill.

I am not new with this kind of talk--on love matter, that is. As they say, been there, done that. It's not easy, it will never be easy. Though starting a relationship is just like a walk in the park, maintaining a relationship, on the other hand, is like haggling for life.

Adjustments and compromises are greatly needed, if not required, and without them, nothing will work out fine. I don't like compromising for nothing though. I am annoyed whenever I adjust for a person who I know won't adjust for me in return. Call me selfish and proud--but that's how my system goes.

They say that it's difficult to grow old with no one constantly beside your bed, without seeing "your own grains" running around the green gardens of your home. This may be true for others, but for me, in the meantime, it may not.

I marvel at people who have still kept their cool and energy and exuberance in life despite--and maybe because of--being alone. Most of them say that it's happy to grow with a lot of stability in life, particularly stability with yourself; stability of going on with life without feeding someone; stability of having the things that you want to buy without adjusting to the needs of the people "who still need to enroll first this semester"; stability of happiness and laughter amidst your friends; stability of waking up in the morning as the sun breaks through your window pane; stability of smelling freshly brewed coffee without someone hurrying you to dress up, or to fix your bed. Single-blessedness is filled with stability indeed.

Having the chance to chat with a friend some few days ago shocked me. She was telling me that her goal's to be a housewife. Whatever happened to this friend of mine, who was really active and career-oriented when we were in high school, I do not know. And when she asked what my opinion about her goal was, I abruptly answered: That's not good for an ambition. Which I believe is filled with candor, but nonetheless true. For an 18-year old lady to have a goal like that in this time and age where people almost dream of having a good career and a competent and comfortable life, it must be extremely horrible!

However, I also admit that there are times when I do admire people--mostly those who I find "prospective" because of their intelligence, their finesse, their auburn skin and their soulful eyes, their affectionate, but not sentimental, attitude, and of their undoubtedly moving character. But for some strange reason, admiration easily fleets out of my desires. Realizations about life always come first, rather than the dictates of the heart. Maybe because I am an over-achiever, that's why.

Wherever and whatever these notions about love and life bring me, I won't shatter and ask much about myself. It's hard when things get too much calculated; too much by the book. It feels good and nice to see the transition within yourself, so that when you look back, you can see the ultimate transformation of your own maturity as well as your perspectives and goals in life.

They say that people should not fall for love; people should be building love. As Jessica Zafra once wrote, "Sometimes I wonder if, instead of falling madly in love, we should aspire to fall sanely in love."

I think, above all, we should be aware of the repercussions of love. We must be sentient that love is sweet and contaminating, but it also hurts.

As for me, I choose not to be sweet, not to be contaminated by romantic love. Because I am pretty sure that whenever I love, whenever I give in to circumstances, it must be truthful, it must be prepared, never stark and never rickety. And that I won't be hurt by anyone...and I won't ever hurt someone.